Have you noticed how many middle aged women iron their jumpers flat and end up with a V shape imprinted in the back from the neckline at the front? Look out for it tomorrow. I bet you see loads! Why didn't their mothers teach them to iron properly?

It's probably fair to say that most people have a 5 year plan. They know where they want to be in their career, which voluminous off white (or red)collection of silk and sequins they shall wear when plighting their troth to the man of their dreams, how many small people with genes similar to their own will demand to be fed and entertained...and so on.

On the face of it, my 5 year plan is much simpler. I plan to go grey.

On my head at least...

When I say I plan to go grey, that misleads you slightly. It suggests that the harrowing nature of the half decade ahead will cause my follicles to cease producing colour in sheer horror at what is befalling them. No no no. Much less dramatic. Through the inheritance of family hair, I have been grey since I was about 23. I just dress it up in a healthy(ish) layer of dye every 6 weeks. My hair is magically returned to its original shade of brown along with my bathroom walls and any white paintwork around the house, and the backs of my ears and the cream carpet and several pairs of pyjamas. Well... enough I say. I plan to be grey and proud in 5 years time, but the preparation must begin today.

When I was 11 and I realised that I was supposed to be able to read the blackboard from the back of the class I persuaded my Mum to take me to the optician. I was indeed short sighted and my Mum cried. She thought it was all her fault for passing on ther rubbish eyes to me. I couldn't understand why she was upset. I got to wear some cool specs with Roland Rat on them. Wearing glasses has always been something that in my own head has made me feel special. What I'd rather she cried for was the amount of energy and money I have spent on trying to keep my hair brown, or red, or purple over the last 10 years. My mum has been greying for as long as I have known her and did it naturally, without chemical intervention. I'm thinking now that I should have done the same. As it stands, according to the internet (which never lies) I have a 5 year road ahead to transition from brown to blonde, to grey. And at least 2 years of that is going to look crap.

This is how to do it.

1. Dye your hair completely brown for one last time.
Done. At the beginning of October 2007.

2. Have blonde highlights through the top and front of your hair.
Done. I look pleasantly sunkissed. And £55 poorer.

3. When your grey roots grow back in, dye just the roots with a lighter than normal shade of brown.
Done. Sort of. This evening. It's really difficult to get just the roots if you want to wear your hair in anything other than a centre parting. It's also difficult to see round the back. I may have missed enormous chunks and just spattered the wall. I'll have to wait till daylight to tell. I do know that I have covered most of the blonde at the front, and the light brown looks fairly similar to the dark brown I normally use. The grey roots are kind of brown. A sort of grey brown stripe down the middle of my head. Also there are chunks of blonde that I have missed completely, but they aren't in any way consistent. Or attractive. I look like a skink...and if you've read my last post you'll know I also smell like a skunk. It's going well so far.

4. Next time you are at the hairdresser, add to the blonde highlights, especially through the top. With each successive visit more of the brown will be lightened, making the grey roots less obvious as they grow in. This may take 3 or 4 years.
All very well in theory, but did I mention the £55 a time. That's a lot for every 6 weeks. Still, I've committed to this now. I shall make my next appointment. However it will have to wait till after Christmas as people may not undertsand the sacrifice of their presents for the good of my hair.

5. Once you are completely blonde opt for a short style. It is more becoming for a lady of advancing years and will lead to a faster transition from blonde to grey.
Advancing years. By this stage I guess I'll be 37...so yes, point taken. I doubt I should still be wearing bunches at 37.

6. You have survived the unavoidable year of horizontal stripe as your natural colour grows in, but you are now looking your age and looking fabulous. Well Done!
This is all very well, but I bet that as soon as I hit 38 and the grey is finally in place, I start wearing (more) purple and dye my hair pink! then I'll have to go through the whole process again.

On the whole it could be worse. I'm glad I inherited my Mum's hair. My poor brother has ginger hair. Or at least had. He's now pretty bald. Bald would be worse.

(PS. I searched Google Images for a picture of "grey hair". Seems like a fairly innocent search...apparently not. Rudery!)